I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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