I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
im holly from the hills drunk
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
