Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
