I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
Acid is not a monday night drug
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Randomize
