dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
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