Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
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