So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
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