I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
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