dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Randomize
