end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
being pregnant is like rehab
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
