I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
