Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize