You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
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