Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
