Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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