My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
