I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
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