Whats the glycemic index on semen?
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
Do plants get herpes?
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