How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
Come share oat with me in your robe
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Randomize
