Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
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