I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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