12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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