i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
