do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize