Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
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