i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
meet me or not, i'm out of control
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
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