Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
But theres a keg here and me gusta
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
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