He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
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