made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
my nose is crying tears of wow.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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