My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
Randomize
