Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
