Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize