Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
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