I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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