You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
