Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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