She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Randomize
