its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
