hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
