Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Randomize
