My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
Randomize