I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
