just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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