6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Randomize
