You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
