Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize