i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
My ass is underappreciated
Randomize
