Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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