nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
