Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
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