I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Randomize
