im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Randomize
