I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
