Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Randomize
