Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
I miss vodka workout Fridays
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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