i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
why is half of my head shaved?
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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